Something Missing
by fiesa
Summary: They went from being friends to lovers and back to friends again far too easily. Alex feels like there's something she missed. OneShot- Alex, Joel. Post-ep to 02x16 – Breathless.


**Something Missing **

_Summary: They went from being friends to lovers and back to friends again far too easily. Alex feels like there's something she missed. OneShot- Alex, Joel. Post-ep to 02x16 – Breathless._

_Warning: Drabblesque. _

_Set: somewhere between 02x14 and 02x16._

_Disclaimer: Standards apply._

_ A/N: I wanted this out before the season's finale this week. Though I'm confused - is it the finale? Because last week's preview said so, while the episode guide on my favorite website says there are two more episodes to come... Either way, after the end of 02x16 I felt like I had missed something. This is supposed to make up for it. _

* * *

Joel was waiting for her at the entrance of her apartment complex.

Alex saw him before he spotted her: he was leaning against the railing of the stairs casually, checking something on his phone. Jeans, a T-shirt, dark hair and a smile: it could have been the Joel she had known in college years ago. Their third semester, or something.

She liked the sight. It reminded her that she wasn't alone, even if it felt like that sometimes at night. It reminded her that she had had a best friend once, someone she could laugh and drink and study and talk with, and that she still had friends. That, even though her heart was hollow and she fell into bed dead-tired in the evening and still couldn't sleep, there was something to look forward to every morning. Alex liked seeing Joel.

It also made her realize that, in order to wait for her unannounced like that, he had to know her very well, and the thought scared her. She pushed it from her mind firmly.

Joel spotted her and waved at her, falling into step easily beside her. "We're going for a ride."

"What?"

Alex had expected him to take her to Hope Zion, not somewhere else. She had Connor's lung transplantation on her schedule today and a ton of books and notes in her arms right now. Her car still was at the annual check-up, something that had added to her anxiety but that she'd been unable to change. She was jittery, she was anxious and nervous and just wanted to get to work and take some time to prepare. So Joel showing up unannounced to pick her up was a nice gesture. But if he really only wanted to go for a joyride –

"Come on, Alex, it won't take long and you'll enjoy yourself, I promise."

His grin was mischievous. Alex knew that grin, so she shook her head and veered off towards the train station.

"You know what? I don't have time for this. I'll see you at the hospital."

Joel matched her gait and leaned over to take her books from her. "You really want to come with me now."

Weary, she paused in her step but didn't try to stop him from hoisting up her cargo. "What are you planning this time?"

Because his history with surprises didn't say much for him-

"You'll see." Another smile – he looked so young when he smiled carefree like that. Since he'd given up the post as chief or surgery he'd smiled more and more. Like the Joel she had known- "Come on. You'll like this."

"Great. Just what I need when I've got a lung transplantation on my schedule and the entire world looking over my shoulder: distraction." Rolling her eyes, she still followed him when he turned and marched off to where his car was parked, presumably.

"Promise," he called over his shoulder. Then: "God, what is it that you're carrying around with you? That's like two tons of paper."

Alex couldn't help it: she cracked a smile. It felt so good, being friends with him again, and God knew she needed friends right now.

_So that's what we are? Friends? –No. _

In the dark foyer of the hospital Joel kissed her and walked off. And left her to wonder what the hell just had happened.

* * *

At home that night, alone in the bed that still – unbelievably – _felt_ like Charlie, she laid awake and stared at the ceiling.

* * *

So she and Joel had become somewhat like friends again over the past year. So what? She had needed friends. Miranda and her had gone out a few times, and she'd even – God forbid! – met Dawn for lunch or coffee once or twice. Maggie was busy with exam preparations, while Charlie – well, it was obvious she couldn't ask him to hang out with her no matter how much she wanted to. And Joel had been a really, really good friend, especially since Luke had died.

They'd gone out for drinks and he'd offered her a ride home once, after her car turned out to have a flat after a horrendous day of work. He hadn't said anything that night, just dropped her off in front of her door and wished her a good night. He'd sat with her during their short breaks, sometimes, with her, Miranda, Maggie and Gavin and whoever could make it and wasn't on shift. And then his ridiculous attempts to cheer her up: the car-wrecking that morning, for example, to _get you to loosen up_. Or the one time he'd taken her to a children's show featuring a magician and various hand puppets. It had been incredibly fun, despite the setting: two adults, clearly without children of their own, in a room full of parents and hyperactive offspring. Alex wasn't sure what she had laughed at most: at the situation or the play. Joel's constant grin hadn't helped much. Even the double date – though catastrophic – had been a nice touch. At least she'd enjoyed the evening until her _date_ made his appearance, and in retrospect she'd even enjoyed the latter parts (until her date got his hand stuck in a condom machine) because Joel had been so embarrassed she'd only been able to laugh. He'd been there after Luke's funeral, too, in the black suit that had looked so strange on him when she had first seen him in but now, thanks to his stint as chief of surgery, was just another one of his daily attires. He hadn't held her when she had cried, not like Charlie had, but he'd been _there._ Or his way of cheering her up in the elevator, after her minor breakdown, three weeks ago. He always had had that ability: to get her to forget all her worries and fears just by talking to her. Alex had the remarkable ability to focus on a task completely and utterly. Her weakness was the_ before_: before a surgery, before an exam. Before facing a nightmare of hers. Before everything, when she would get so jittery she wanted to scream.

"I have a joke for you."

Joel didn't even need to try. He cheered her up just like that, and for it, she loved him.

* * *

"What's wrong, Alex?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" Melinda frowned. "Come on, there's something. I can see it."

Alex sighed. Opened her mouth, closed it. Sighed again. "Joel."

Melinda's brows disappeared in her hair. "Joel?"

"Did…" Alex stopped, paused and started again. "Why…"

Melinda took a sip of coffee. "Did I miss something here?"

"_Exactly_ my question."

* * *

Something was missing.

Alex pondered it the entire night, and far into the next day. Far into the next week. Joel kept his distance and Charlie kept his distance and Alex _felt_ so damn distant she wasn't sure she even was on the same planet as her colleagues.

_What_ was missing? _What_ had she missed?

Joel and she always had been friends. They'd gone from best friends to lovers in the blink of an eye and back to best friends again as easily as breathing. If she believed common relationship rules, being friends with a man was supposed to be impossible. But with him, she felt at ease. Joel made her laugh. Most importantly: Joel made her stop thinking of Charlie, and that was something she could very much appreciate right now.

When had they crossed the line? Or re-crossed it? Had there been a warning? And, if so, how could she have not noticed it?

Somewhere in between him picking her up in the morning and taking her for little tours, somewhere in between Joel plopping down on a chair next to her during coffee breaks, somewhere in between Joel telling her jokes in the elevator to distract her and taking her for silly plays and making her sleep during an especially long double shift and smiling at her over his mask with tired, darkdark_dark_ eyes that nevertheless were full of triumph: _We made it._ Somewhere in between _everything_ Alex had started to get used to his presence again. And somewhere in between _something_ had happened that made him look at her like _that_ again: and Alex knew that look. She wasn't stupid. A woman knew when a man looked at her like _that_.

(Also, he had kissed her. _That_ was unmistakable.)

* * *

One morning she stepped out of her apartment and found him standing in the street, two cups of coffee in his hands. He smiled when he saw her.

Alex smiled back.

(A memory from her childhood: one of those cheesy girly movies she'd loved to watch. _He's the one that always makes you smile when you see him, no matter what._)

"Nervous?" He asked.

"Stop talking," Alex shot back, feeling the icy fingers of strain and anticipation gliding down her spine. "I hate this."

"Don't be nervous." Joel glanced at his watch and then at the sky. "What do you think? Let's go for lunch afterwards. We can go to the park, the weather's beautiful. That reminds me, the kid from yesterday? He told me he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up, something about always being able to eat jelly when working in the hospital…"

Alec laughed and then sobered up again. "Thanks, Joel."

He shrugged, a grin still on his face. "For what?"

"For always trying."

Something in his smile twisted, like it had tried to vanish and he had just been able to hold on to it. Whatever it was, it morphed into a trademark, wide Joel-grin. Alex couldn't put her finger on what it had been.

"I strive to please."

In the evening, in front of her apartment complex, Joel kissed her, his hands hot on her skin, and then left, and his last glance made shivers run down her spine.

It had been the first time they'd crossed the line between best friends and lovers.

(Suddenly, it didn't feel like it had been almost six years ago.)

* * *

_Awkward._

The elevator was the worst place to be in right now – with Charlie to her left and Joel to her right. And Alex wanted to disappear into thin air. She fixed her gaze on the small red number on the elevator display and willed the cabin to move faster.

Charlie, thankfully, exited the elevator first, smiling at her. Alex's heart made a painful jolt.

Then she realized that only Joel and she were left. Neither one of them attempted to speak. _Move faster. Move faster. Come on. _

They had almost reached the fourth floor when Joel's hand shot out and touched hers carefully.

"It's your turn."

Then he left, glancing at her one last time, dark, familiar eyes and no smile – Joel, and no smile. It was _wrong. _Her heart hurt. Something was weighting down on her lungs, leaving her breathless and desperate.

What was she supposed to do now?

Alex got off the elevator.


End file.
